i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Randomize
