So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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