I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
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