I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
