There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
