He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
