Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Randomize
