i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
