college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
