we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
