Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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