Three words: puerto rican gang bang
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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