got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
She bit a glass in half.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Randomize
