Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
