somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
