my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Randomize
