What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
