Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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