She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
