The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
