i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
It all started with a game of naked twister.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize