tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
