I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
