I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
