no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
