Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
