"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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