when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
