it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
i need to put some appletini on your dick
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
