Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
