i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
