I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Randomize
