Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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