Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
