i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
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