At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
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