I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Randomize