Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
