So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
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