Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
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Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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