I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
