She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
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