Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
