Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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