I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Randomize
