I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Randomize
