The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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