Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Randomize
