so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
