Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
