Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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