I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
