it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
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