i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
