I'd wear matching sweaters with you
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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