I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Randomize
