listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
