the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Randomize
