How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
