You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
