remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
