so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
