I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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