I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
