Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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